cancer calls

have to stay at the hospital for chemotherapy...maybe a couple of days..maybe more.
..(26/6 until 3/7)2006
..katil 29,ward 26,GHKL.

A very interesting insight of blogging from an experienced bloggerr

maybe you should start one now, click on the google ads on my blog (topside) my friendly readers n join the blog phenomenon!

Tan Mun Loong 1989 - 2006

Last Wednesday 22nd June i had to go to a Lymphoma Support group meeting happening at the Haemato Clinic. On the way there from Pekeliling road (yes by bus i went there)
towards HKL, bought breakfast six toses and six nasik lemaks and six what i dunno bulat2nyer malay kuihs wrapping in banana leaves. I was fasting so i didnt open the kuihs to see what are they made of. Walk myself up to ward 26. And gave all the breakfast to 6 beds of Haemato department. 2 beds were empty so the lebihan then only gave to doctor Diana (yearggh rockk doctor rock) and nurses (Kak Rubina lambat i wanted to meet u and ask u out to lunch at BB)

Then went back to see the patients. One is an abang i still couldnt get the name but he's been staying there for a month now already. Then there's an indian husband wife took the toses..and a kid and his father took a nasik lemak and a tose. But i gave specially both nasik lemak and tose to a special friend of mine. I get to know him last February, though only brief, our relationship was very meaningful in a special cancer-patients-only-can-understand- sort of way you know?) He was sleeping at that time. Then woke him up and we chatted for awhile mostly about our own development on treatment. Gave him that day's Utusan front page screaming headline was about UPM found cancer cure in tapioca's own-made poison. I told him my treatment got delayed, he told me he'll be out this Friday. Tan Mun Loong is the name. He's suffering from Acute lymphobastic lymphoma i think..not quite sure. But what matters is that he was there when i was sick and suffering from severe hallucination and mental slowness. He's there making sure i didnt inflict cuts pain damage whatsover on myself (of course i didnt.what i basically do was sit there and stare blankly at nobody/everybody and peed on the bed and eat/drink when given only) He was there always asking me how am i?how i feel etc.. concerned 24 hours despite his sickness. despite his weakness. despite his thinness. despite his paleness.despite his baldness. He was there guarding me there with all his might.

And today i received an sms delivering the grave news of Tan Mun Loongs started his journey to the other side today, leaving us as God loves him more. I can't help my self from shading tears while writing this post Tan. I have shaved my head today in your rememberance and shall mourn over your loss. May you rest in peace and may angels look after you as well as you did to me, you bertindik-black earings-hair-baru-nak-tumbuh-sudah-jadik-rockers-you. Al- Fatihah and a moment of silence to Tan Mun Long, a cancer sufferer, a fighter and an everlasting friend.(1989 - 24/6/2006)

music appreciation *Soundtrack of the Day* - this is your life by The Dust Brothers (Fight Club OST)

For cancer patients, for the broken hearted, for the frustrated, for fight club enthusiasts, listen to this dust brothers production of Fight Club soundtrack. It helps a lot. Nothing to explain as the script by Mr Chuck Palahniuk himself is an explanation of life.God speed.


..And you open the door and you
step inside. We're inside our
hearts. Now, imagine your pain as a
white ball of healing light. That's
right, it's your pain the pain itself is a ball of
healing light.

i don't think so

This is your life
Good to the last drop
doesn't get any better than this

This is your
life, and it's ending one minute at
a time.

This isn't a seminar
This is no weekend retreat
Where you are now
You can't even imagine what the bottom will be like
Only after disaster can we be resurrected
It's only after you've lost everything that you are free to do anything


Nothing is static
Everything is evolving
Everything is falling apart
This is your life
It doesn't get any better than this
This is your life
And its ending one minute at a time

You are not a beautiful and unique snowflake
You are the same decaying organic matter as everything else
We are all part of the same compost heap
We are the all singing, all dancing crap of the world

You are not your bank account
You are not the clothes you wear
You are not the contents of your wallet

You are not your bowel cancer
You are not your grand latte?
You are not the car you drive
You are not your fucking khakis?

You have to give up
You have to give up
You have to realise that someday you will die
Until you know that, you are useless.

I say let me be never complete
I say may I never be content
I say deliver me from Swedish furniture
I say deliver me from clever art
I say deliver me from clear skin and perfect teeth

I say you have to give up
I say evolve and let the chips fall where they may
This is your life

Doesn't get any better than this
This is your life
And its ending one minute at a time

You have to give up
You have to give up
(I want you to hit me as hard as you can)
Welcome to Fight Club
If this is your first night, you have to fight.

music appreciation *Song of the Day* - i'm still here by Vertical Horizon

Jehan Fauzee (MATA) asked me one day: What if one day..your ex came crying begging to come back. Promise to change etc. Would you accept her with open arms? (30 markah). Sometimes, I can't find words to express all the things i feel inside. But every just so often...the words of another who's had the first cut (which is the deepest) seem to work out fine. So this is my 30 marks answer to your cepumas Q the other day...

I found the pieces in my hand
They were always there
we were already heading towards break, ive asked u once a year ago, you didnt want to
It just took time for me to understand
that u were never meant fo me
You gave me words I just can't say
all those mencarut2 for 7 years
So if nothing else
I'll just hold on while you drift away
i held to the promises i made, and u?
Cause everything you wanted me to hide
you always do
Is everything that makes me feel alive
dear friends of mine, iha,eelar,eelar eelar (33 kali),moni, jaja, even juan (dammit juan control ur woman!), even teacher mala to be deleted?

Seeing the ashes in my heart
burnt has it since years earlier but silence befriending i have been
The smile the widest
hiding my sorrow from u just to make u happy
When I cry inside and my insides blow apart
for ages and ages but never did u understand
I tried to wear another face
as usual oh so usual
Just to make you put me in my place
but did u??
But everything you wanted from me
when have u been a giver?
Is everything that I could never be
didnt took me as me did you?

Maybe tonight,
It's gonna be alright
I will get better
i already am
Maybe today
It's gonna be okay
I will remember
everything that has been done


I held the pieces of my soul
broken unmended torchered and kept quiet
I was shattered and I wanted you to come and make me whole
once upon a time, a long long ago, when i used to know u
When I saw you yesterday
i wish i dont have to see u ever again
But you didn't notice
you only notice money, you plastic
And you just walked away
like u used to do
Cause everything you wanted me to hide
my love for debate, my family, friends, the true me, the kid inside of me
Is everything that makes me feel alive
you killed me from the inside

The cities grow
the rivers flow
Where you are, I'll never know
and i don't even care
But i'm still here
a man of my word
If you were right and I was wrong
like you said to everyone
Why are you the one's gone
ain't it funny?
And i'm still here
i talk the talk n walk the walk, whattabout u?
The lights go out, the bridges burn
u destroyed urself, never did i intervene
Once your gone, you can't return
the song sings for itself
But i'm still here
end life when i end loyalty. so loyal was i. remember the word 'was' please
Remember how you used to say I'd be the one to runaway
oh u always did say that remember? moni?jaja?..we always fight 'cause of this
But I'm still here
not waiting for u, ur not worth mentioning anymore. i wash my hands off of u.

(30 marks)

music appreciation *song of the day* - fix you by coldplay (album x & y)

The reason why i tepek this song in my friendster (www.friendster.com/andrighaxaly) - add me dear strangers so that we can be connected and know each other and become friends..spread the love luv! - is because how Chris Martin emailed me *puhhhleezz* the other day to saye how his lyrics got connected to my life. So im gonna let him know thru this blog today..ok Chris? Mak ko sihat dak? Laa mane aku kat seblah ko? Derang crop gambar tuh ekk.Dammit

When you try your best, but you don't succeed
i've done my best this past years, wonder why never succeed?wonder why need to change fac?all this while i did everything for you
When you get what you want, but not what you need
i got you as my girlfriend, but i need to be happy
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
sleepless nights just to accompany you
Stuck ni reverse
Gear box kereta saper yg rosak? haha!

When the tears come streaming down your face
Oh you and your melodramatic sympathetic sad stories
When you lose something you can't replace
i lost 7 years of my life which i could have spend in Japan, thanks to you...
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
7 years of it..7 years of my love and loyalty and 50000k of it
Could it be worse?
Not even the slightest memory of you

Lights will guide you home
hallucinated bout these white-robed people taking my life away during hospital stay
And ignite your bones
doing bone marrow transplant sometime in the future
And I will try to fix you
if you also give 100% commitment" said the good-looking Dr. Chang

High up above or down below
were you there during my darkest hours?lowest point in my life?
When you too in love to let it go
thats what i felt for you once upon a time long ago
If you never try you'll never know
meeting the world and new people being free
Just what you're worth
so much more than money can buy
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And i will try to fix you

project mayhem@ fight club

MISCHIEF MAYHEM SOAP

to remember me...

The day will come when my body will lie upon a white sheet neatly tucked under four corners of a mattress located in a hospital busily occupied with the living and the dying. At a certain moment a doctor will determine that my brain has ceased to function and that, for all intents and purposes, my life has stopped.

When that happens, do not attempt to instill artificial life into my body by the use of machine. And dont call this my deathbed.

Let it be called the bed of life, and let my body be taken from it to help others to lead fuller lives.

Give my sight to the man who has never seen a sunrise, a baby's face or love in the eyes of a woman. Give my heart to a person whose own heart has caused nothing but endless days of pain. Give my kidneys to one who depends on a machine to exist from week to week Take my bones, every muscle, every fiber and nerve in my body and find a way to make a crippled child walk.

Explore every corner of my brain. Take my cells, if necessary, and let them grow so that someday, a speechless boy will shout at the crack of a bat and a deaf girl will hear the sound of rain against her window.

If you must bury something, let it be my faults, my weakness and all prejudice against my fellow man. Give my sins to the Devil, give my soul to God.

If by chance, you wish to remember me, do it with a kind deed or word to someone who needs you. If you do all I have to asked, I will live forever.


Robert N. Test

courtesy of Haematology HKL
tq kakak nurse yg tolong cabutkan n made a copy if this.(later i'll know ur name)
its not a poem but a writing on the most beautiful way for us to leave this world.

nursery rhymes for cancer patients :)

Chemotheraphy made me a living zombie,
Turned my body blue and my nails black for free,
My urine red and made me vomit the organs inside out of me,
Made me kinda stupid n slow of memory, but it also kept me from obesity,
Then came the doctors and gave me cute lil' white pills name dexamethasone,
It's actually a kinda strong steroid, these scary pills i own.
Been taking it for two months now and you can see how they go,
My face is full of acne now and i became plump.
I gained 7 kilos, look unnaturaly and sickly fat and dumb
Well thank you dexamethasone, you made my hormones go upside down.
And not to forget haematology department, you made my world go round.
And now im taking another leave, to do radiotheraphy,
I hope that it wont hurt so much, i hope my cancer leaves,
So all friends n foes who read this please, let us unite and pray to God,
that I will heal in time,continue my studies and to enjoy what I have not!!

Andri Ghazali
1983-present

tagged (a wasted post posted by me told to be posted by andriyani ghazali)

Three names you go by
1.andre (dammit guys it's andri andri it's with an i laa!!)
2.syabo0(no mummy i'm clean of drugs..its just sound so aneh and cool)
3.robbie(the after-effect of singing better man in the bathroom every single day)

Three parts of your heritage
1.Afghan
2.Chinese
3.Malay

Three things you can't stand
1. my ex, my ex, my ex..axe her
2.people who chomps and chews their food noisily (aaarrgghh!!)
3.dirty public toilets without water supply (like shit how am i suppose to you know what when there's you know where there n can't sembur with getah paip sumore eeiiyakk)

Three things that scare you
1.clowns and walking stuffed animals (f**k you Barney aaaaaaargh run kidss!)
2.roaches scare the shit out of me
3.the sight of blood oozing and dripping freely *giddy dah*

Three drinks (alcoholic or non)
1.Esprits
2.orange milk
3.fruit tree apple juice with the little2 cube of fruits in it

Three of your everyday essentials (beside common human needs…)
1.men's deodarant
2.computer..if not so sangap
3.a set of mp3 and a book (do not disturb ladies-an act of urban intelligence is on play here)

Three things you are wearing right now
1. Pagoda quality singlet size 44
2. Sarong/kain pelikat Atlas brand (reg. no 176998)
3. Imaginary Giorgio Armani designer's brief (haha!)

Three of your favourite movies
1. Fight Club
2. Lock, stock and two smoking barrels
3. Snatch

Two truths and a lie
I'm suffering from lymphoma cancer
I'm single (cheap publicity haha!)
A lie? I never lie...

Three physical things about the opposite sex that appeals to you
1.lovely, sexy, the piercing-through-you-look set of eyes..eyes never lie
2.pretty,symmetric, mancung nose..its the centre of the face and plays a big part whattt
3.a lovely set of teeth that reflects the most beautiful smile which brings the warmth to your heart

Three things you want in a relationship
Someone/something totally different from my previous relationship by having
1.laughter
2.warmth and affection
3.truth and honesty

Three of your favourite hobbies
1.Nurse-looking ok tak?
2.Window shopping
3.Arts,music and culture appreciation

Three careers you are considering, or have considered
1.Bank officer/manager/financial planner
2.Lawyer
3.Businessman(used to want to be taxi driver when standard 2 coz saw all the money kak Ha paid to the man like soo banyak)

Three places you want to go on a vacation
1.The moon - known as the most expensive vacation package ever
2.Paris
3.Safari Desert

Three things you want to do before you die
1.to be able to say the kalimah syahadat laa obviously
2.travel the world and take all the chances it has to offer
3.can i like postpone my death?

5 songs I know all the words to
1.Can Asma ul-Husna be considered as a song?
2.Negaraku
3.Pahang State Song
4.Most of Coldplays
5.Most of Smashing Pumpkins

5 things I would do with 100 million dollars
1.Stare at it in disbelief for days maybe
2.Count it after 3rd day of staring
3.Show it to my parents
4.Then pack all of it in bags
5.And throw it in the sea - dude there's no way i'm gonna own 100 million in this life or the lifeafter..so it's not mine..better get rid of the evidencelah


5 things I would never wear
1.Baby clothes
2.The Pope's robe
3.Bra
4.Panties (so damn uncomfortable) - kantoikan diri sendri haha j/k
5.A muzzle

5 favourite TV shows
1.House
2.The Mythbusters
3. Alias
4. 24
5. Friends

5 bad habits
1.Nose-picking (why is it best things in life are often regarded as bad?)
2.sometimes can be hot-tempered (but in a flash only, then turn back into sweet adorable mammal again)
3.big headed and stubborn
4.is farting a bad habit?
5.sometimes i talk too much

5 biggest joys
1.my break-up with my ex
2.enjoying life as a single guy (for the time being)
3.my scholarship
4.the joy of having wonderful parents and 4 wonderful younger sisters
5.being diagnosed with cancer..brought the purpose and courage in life out of me and i've start to see the world in a whole new different angle

5 People I want to do the same list
1.Adolf Hitler Schicklgruber
2.Mohandas Karamchand (Mahatma) Gandhi
3.Sun Tze
4.Ya'qub ibn Ishaq as-Sabah al-Kindi
5.Since none of them can do this stupid questionnaire, why dont you.. yeah you,the one who just read this, do it? (TAGGED!)

the best thing in the world

What's the best thing in the world?
June-rose, by May-dew impearled;
Sweet south-wind, that means no rain;
Truth, not cruel to a friend;
Pleasure, not in haste to end;
Beauty, not self-decked and curled
Till its pride is over-plain;
Love, when, so, you're loved again.
What's the best thing in the world?
--Something out of it, I think.

Elizabeth Barret Browning
1806-1861

liberated lastly

I have decided that i don't want to write anymore about my 7 years relationship-with-u story as i believe enough blood (or milk) has been spilt, and no use ranting about it, enough feelings were hurt, and enough hearts were broken. It isn't morally and ethically nice and right-thing-to-do to take pleasure on telling something so private to the world. i don't want to be dragged down to such standards as i knew i have been raised to be a good person. It feels soooo much better being a gentleman than a rat. To my ex, i know you'll be hurt by reading my post.(who asked you in the 1st place lol haha!) No apologies from me but magnifythe hurt you felt by reading the post with a 100000 lens-powered super-telescope, and do wonder that I used to get that much hurt from you but now its okay. I understand God intervene for a purpose. For now, I just want to say may you and your new boyfriend be happy with your new lives. I won't be friends of yours but neither i'll be your enemies. Please don't interfere and intrude the life of mine, my family and my friends as much as we don't disturb your lives okay? please. For ardent readers of liberated lastly, i hope you noble readers understand my feelings and situation. I have to delete this post before things get out of hands and more people will get hurt. i will put effort to find other interesting posts to write and please don't stop clicking at my blog and continue to enjoy perusing writings from me the blog-newbie. Thank you and sorry guys for taking the posts out - do understand. auf wiedersehen - tschuss!!

sonnet XLIII

How do i love thee? Let me count the ways
I love thee to the depth
and breadth & height
my soul can reach, when feeling out of sight
for the ends of Being & ideal Grace
I love thee to the level of
everyday's most quiet need, by sun & candle light
I love thee freely, as men strive for Right
I love thee purely, as they turn from Praise
I love thee with the passion put to use
In my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith
I love thee with a love I seemed to lose
With my lost saints - I love thee with the breadth,
Smiles, tears all my life!
and if God choose,
I shall but love thee better after death


Elizabeth Barret Browning
1806 - 1861



after what i have gone through, wonder who should i recite this beautiful poem to?

memento

Like oceans, we have spent
this time together before.
In galley slave pits you fed me
water and removed my slivers.
Riding Ch'u dynasty chariots
we perished on Mongol swords,
We toiled rocks in chains
and built Stonehenge,
drank with King Arthur
and danced with Black Elk.
We fled, hand-in-hand, dodging
Hitler's bullets, and
I carried you over the border
to have our lasting love in freedom.
During past full moons, the sun set
the seas in orbit
and as driftwood we tumbled
onto the shores of somewhere beautiful,
Another life together, my love?

Originally by Chris Coleman

the end is the beginning is the end

I finally welcome myself shyly (uh uh wah wah) from my deep slumber of depression, of endless silent screams, of years of deprieving myself from laughter n happiness i should have felt. It has been a year now since cancer started. It has been 6 months kak ija mummy n co. persuade me to start a blog of my own. my owwwnnn..my precioussssss (air liur berjejehh). Well here i am..and slowly and time-abidingly shall we become the perasan-being a-good-captivating-storyteller of our time..blogging suxlah :)

aikh laterlahh.. need to go to dentist after absence of dentistry (between us) for 6 years..haha gile mesti buruk gile gigi aku nih...

Sooo, welcome, dear friends and strangers, to these humble boxes blog of mine, and let me enlighten you with words filled with stupidity, malice, joy ,pain and other worldly expressions that i could think of during this hiccuping period of my life. Later~